I believe in life after love.... sure. I’m proof that it exists. I’m happy, I even believe things turned out for the best. Hmm. But I’m also sad. I’m sad because I know more divorced people than people who have married only once. Why? What is this? Every case is different, I know. I know that you can’t just look at the world as a whole and decide what that implies about your own future. I believe in marriage. I believe in love. I want those things in my life. I want to say that I want to marry once. But of all the people I know who are divorced, or have been divorced, how many of them DIDN’T say that, too? My Mom and Dad aren’t divorced, neither of my grandparents were divorced, so yeah, I don’t come from a divorced home but still I know so many people.... some were married for 40 years before they got divorced. Some were married for 5. Some were in their 60s, others in their 20s. We don’t know what life has in store, nothing is a guarantee, ever. No matter what. So.... what am I supposed to do? I mean.... does what I’m looking for even exist?
Lets paint a picture. I want to be the one who is chased. My job was not supposed to be the cat in the cat and mouse game. Seriously. Srsly. But lets face it I’m so good at playing the part of the cat. But I deserve to be the mouse. I really do. Its not like I’ve never been the mouse. Anyway. I want a guy who would start dancing with me even when no one else is dancing. I want a guy who sees me hanging out with my friends doing stupid crap like the raptor impression or you know dancing in the middle of the street but knows what I’m like when I’m by myself and yet still knows that the raptor girl and the girl who will be there when the party is over - they are the same person. Or how about a guy who would challenge me and call me out, but yet make me feel so secure in how they feel about me that I wouldn’t just stay awake at night convincing myself that they don’t really like me. Or where’s the guy who loves Jesus so much and can show me that he loves Jesus but doesn’t make me feel like a heathen? Hmm? Is that real? Or you know what else..... I want a guy who would really appreciate the ways that I want to take care of him. Everyone needs someone in their life who calls them “Beautiful” like its your name.... everyone needs someone to have lunch with, to reminisce about old times with... to send funny texts to, to listen to your problems and tell you exactly how to fix them even if its not so fun to hear. And hey straight guy friends - you are so vain and probably think this paragraph is about you. WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! Its not. Jk, actually, I bet a part of it is. Because I’ve learned a little bit from each of you - there’s something nice that all of my straight guy friends do for me that I realize I want in a husband (or... lets start with boyfriend. Or date.). So, actually, yeah - you probably did read about yourself in there. And thats great. But keep in mind that I’m NOT making a list of what I DON’T want.... which would be infinitely longer ;) And you know what kind of girlfriend I want to be? I want to cook for you. Like, every day. And I want to read the bible with you. And I want you to make me laugh, but I also really want you to think that I am funny. I want you to know when I’m being ridiculous and to know when you should roll your eyes and when you should give me a reality check. I want you to be able to talk to my friends without me around. I want you to make me feel really safe - like, I’m so done with wondering if my boyfriend really loves me or if he’s just waiting to break up with me. So yeah I like being clingy but also it would be nice to not feel like I have to be.
So, sorry if you’re reading this and you think what I want to hear is, “Oh Cari, don’t worry, you’ll find someone! You’re awesome!” Because.... well, its not. I mean okay yes I do hope that I find someone. Who doesn’t? And sure you can say whatever but my point is that 1) Its juts sad how often marriages don’t work out. First of all it means that those people were hurting in their marriage, and then they hurt because the marriage ended (even if they end up saying they’re glad they got a divorce, its not like it was ever easy.) and 2) I thought maybe I should start saying things I want. People say that is a good idea. Its weird that I did it on facebook because people can read it but... some of you will think that its weird and others wont. 3) Because I want to believe in love.
This summer I tried really hard to convince myself that men loved women. Because it is easy for me to forget that. (Sorry if you a man who has loved me and this annoys you). But really - I enjoy emphasizing to myself that guys actually want to be with girls. It really gets me, you know? Seriously what do you guys think of this..... I don’t really believe that men want to be with women as much as women want to be with men. I mean, women are awesome, right? Aren’t we? We’re beautiful and sexy and spunky, or quiet and cute and sweet. We’re mysterious even when we put it all out there. And we love you! Man, do we love you. We want nothing more than to love you! We want to take care of you. Make life better for you. And we want to let you prove yourself to us, you know? Open doors and all of that. So do we drive you crazy like the movies say? Because it doesn’t feel that way to me. It doesn’t feel like men are just sitting around thinking about us the way we are thinking about them. I mean.... really I feel like men think women are a pain in the ass. Do you really think that? Now, no, I have no idea where this idea came from. Now wait wait wait, here’s the other thing, okay? I know that we can be a giant pain in the ass. I know that. Okay? But guess what men, SO CAN YOU!! So, seriously, I get that. Its not easy. Fine. I know. And I know that not every has gotten a good hand of cards. Not everyone’s marriage works out. Can’t I still want my marriage to work out? Cause I do.
Its late, my body is not really cooperating with me, it somehow magically became 4 a.m., and I am caught up on all of the episodes of Supernanny.
Now, you see, watching Supernanny could potentially be depressing, right? I mean... screaming kids, sad, dysfunctional families.... ugh. Well, of the last 4 episodes that I've watched, let me tell you some of what I've seen. One family was from North Carolina and the man was stereotypically rough and tough and the kids had potty mouths. The parents fought as much with each other as they did with their kids. The word "divorce" was thrown around like it was nothing, until one day one of the kids used it. At first, the dad became so angry that he blamed everything on the mom and said she had put the word "divorce" in the kids mouth on purpose just to be vindictive. He completely shut down and wouldn't talk. The second family was an almost elderly couple with their 25 year old daughter and her two (punk ass) children living with them. The kids had their hair cut in mohawks (just sayin...). The mother (/daughter of the couple) had ZERO GRATITUDE for anything. Ever. Jo even took her to a homeless shelter and she was just like "why am I here" the entire time. Not inconspicuously, either, I mean.... she was showing off her "I know I have it better than a lot of people but I just don't care" attitude. She was so rude. And lazy! She let her parents do all of the disciplining, but disagreed with how they went about it and so would occasionally yell or something but generally just sat on the couch and texted while her family - HER CHILDREN - caused a muck. The third family was very, very negative - the oldest daughter had almost died from alcohol poisoning and would frequently let her younger (she was probably 14, her younger brother probably 8 or 9) brother drink at parties without their parents at home. The mom would nag a lot, the dad would yell a lot, the kids would throw tantrums A LOT. The fourth family had a 5 year old girl and 3 year old triplets. The oldest girl was the boss of the family and was even aware of the fact that she knew how to get her way. She sang a little song about it. The family had gone back to spanking as a form of discipline, but it wasn't working, and they knew it. The dad was intimidated by having 4 children to take care of at one time and the mom was to a point where sometimes she wasn't sure if she really liked her oldest daughter.
There are two categories of families here. It may not be clear from my descriptions so far, but two of these families were open to changes and truly benefitted from the experience. (Families 3 and 4.) The difference was that families 3 and 4 had stronger marriages than families 1 and 2. Now, family 2 I'm talking about the unmarried 25 year old. Her parents, I think, have a very good marriage - they must to deal with what they were having to with her and her mongrels living in their house. But her? She was closed off to everything and her mother even said, "She cares about herself first. She loves her kids, but they don't come first in her life." Wow. And to throw divorce around? In front of your children? They don't forget a word like that. And they don't think about it casually, either.
But families 3 and 4 - even though the kids were very undisciplined, it was so obvious that the parents were a team. At the family meetings they would hold hands, look at each other, agree on what they were talking about, exhibit patience. It was awesome. It just make me so happy to see that. I mean, family 3 was in really bad shape, but the dad - as soon as he saw how angry he got with his kids, he immediately took a step back and said he didn't want to be like that. And the mom, though she was really negative, she loved and supported her husband and he loved and supported him right back - openly! Honestly! Genuinely! Family 4, though, was perhaps my favorite. The fact that the parents were in love was obvious from the start. Sure, they got annoyed with each other, but they never lost their temper, and there were some nauseatingly cute moments between them. It was.... man, I'm just so thankful I saw that.
I mean there's so. much. sadness. So much! Nothing tears me up like the thought of a broken family. My family didn't always do as many things all together as I would have liked, for one reason or another, and I want my own family to function a little differently. It is so easy to feel like its a lost art - loving someone forever. But that is what God designed love to be. That is what love wants to be. Its not easy, and it takes work, but its not about keeping score and waiting for "one more fight" or "one more rough patch" before you throw in the towel.
I don't have all the answers, but I do know what love is, and I know that its possible to have it forever. I don't see the joy in assuming failure just because there are no guarantees in life. A good friend of mine said, "you can't go up to bat like you're afraid to strike out, you've got to swing for the fences." He was right. And I know someone else who said, "I'm not leaving because of a speed bump. And I'm not leaving because of a mole hill. And you know what? I'm not leaving because of a mountain, either." Well guess what? Neither am I. And I'm swinging for the fences. And I can see the ball going out of the park. I'm in for all 9 quarters (if you don't get that.... you weren't supposed to).
~fhl~
No comments:
Post a Comment