why run from truth

Sometimes I feel like I'm only hormonally normal for like 6 days a month. You know, the 6 days farthest from my period in either direction? And its bad, too, I mean… everything is wrong. All the time. I'm crazy, and then I'm in a really good mood and its like, oh, so, this is fake, right? Because I want to believe the crazy mood was fake so, therefore, the good mood must be fake, too, right? And like, even physical stuff is bizarre. I'm ALWAYS bloated, I usually have a headache, cramps are the sure fire sign that my womanhood is somehow related to whatever is going on, my digestive system sucks, and all of my pants fit tighter even if I've eaten healthier than normal lately. I mean - its really awful. And all of these "feelings" that I "feel" - what am I to say if none of them are legitimate? A friend of mine who seems to experience similar situations each month believes that our feelings are real just amplified. Okay. But usually I've totally screwed up the way to deal with them in the first three seconds of feeling them. Awesome.

So, fine, hormonal.

I'm about to move. I'm moving for another person. For a guy. Who says he loves me. But you know what? Sometimes he doesn't text me back. Sometimes other girls write on his wall. Sometimes I don't understand exactly why he does things. Sometimes he doesn't understand exactly why I do something. Sometimes we laugh so hard we cry. I have some funny friends and so does he, but our laughing-until-crying laughing is way better with each other than with anyone else. I know he'd agree. And I know how his smile would look as he did. Then I'd schmear my fingers across his face and say "donut fingers" and then he'd be grossed out and I'd be victorious. (Inside joke.) And sometimes we say these really amazing things to each other. And they're really big and awesome and scary. And sometimes I hang out with his family without him and its AMAZING. I've never been like that around peoples families, to some extent even my own. I mean, I don't think my family totally understands me. I think partially I haven't let them, and partially other things but thats another subject. I've always been super polite and proper and guarded around families, but, with his its so not like that at all. I'm not afraid to joke or laugh or talk or fall asleep on the couch. I'm so grateful for that, and that its going to be close by. (Back to my man…) and sometimes we just sit quietly and we don't have to say anything and its really peaceful and I feel safe. And sometimes we fight and its really awful because its on the phone and phones are dumb and you can't see each other's face and you can't look into their eyes and feel your heart melt and you can't look into their eyes and hope that they see how important what you're saying is. You just have to sit there, either arguing or being quite and both of those suck. Then you're like wow seriously this blows and then you hang out and you just *start* to argue in person and it takes like 3 seconds to resolve it and be all lovey dovey again. Awesome. Or better yet you let it get real heated for like 3 minutes then one person yells and then you look at each other and just bust out laughing. Awesome. Seriously, thats one of my favorite memories.

I have doubts. I have doubts like anyone would. I think mostly I have doubts because I don't know how to not have doubts. Sometimes I think about how breaking up is inevitable. The only reason I think that is because relationships have always ended. But I'm so glad they did. They sucked! I sucked, the guy sucked, everything sucked. Sometimes this relationship sucks because we can't be together all the time (for 6 more days). That sucks. And it sucks when he's hurting because I hurt, too. And it sucks to fight. But absolutely none of that suckage even remotely compares to being together. The smart part of me knows that there is no option but to be together. We are together and this is non negotiable. There's not an event I picture or a future I see that doesn't involve him. I'd be absolutely floored if we broke up. I'd be super confused and lost. I mean, I'd be okay. Even though I'm moving to a city just for him on the assumption that it is a safe thing to do. My life doesn't *actually* revolve around him, it revolves around Him, and He has a plan that I hope involves him, but God's plan > my plan. But none of this is any accident, so I want to believe that my plan = things God has revealed to me. I'm scared that God's plan ≠ my plan. That would suck. That would scare me. But, it would be okay. It's been way better than okay every other time, and it will be okay this time. But you see… not all people simply spend life going through a cycle of relationships. Some people really do get married. Some of them even seriously stay married.

You know I think all of these things sound right but I'm a little bit worried that I came here, sat down, started writing, and haven't said anything about how I really feel. I want to DEAL better. Sometimes I don't deal very well. Sometimes no one knows, and sometimes everyone knows. I'd like to think that that happens to everyone because, you know, being weird and crazy sucks. Or, would suck…?

I have some feelings that I'm pretty intensely aware of. I'd like to think that I seem less "crazy" if I'm aware than, you know, if I'm not? But at the same time being aware makes me all consumed, you know, by 1) the feeling itself and 2) the fact that I know it exists and I feel like it shouldn't.

I think I have a hard time letting people love me. I've realized I'm good at expressing my love in certain ways, but I'm really good at running from the feeling of people expressing their love to me. Like my friends, recently they've been like hey p.s. we care about you and I was like …wait what? Like seriously I didn't realize that they did, or that they noticed anything about me, which I realize now sounds really dumb. And when people show love for me in a really undeniable way, I tend to have a really strong, unexpected reaction (usually if its crying I can avoid it in public. Other, different issue).

And I'm really good at testing the people that are closest to me. Unless you're my boyfriend, I'll probably not test you very often and you wont have any idea that I'm doing it. If you're my boyfriend you'll probably catch on and ruin it. [;)] I'm not proud of this.

So I went from talking about stuff to trying to think about my feelings and now I'm thinking maybe writing all of this was a waste of time. I just want to be better, to see the Spirit bear fruit in my life.

There are things I'd like to do tonight:

-pack the boxes I have

-write some letters to the people who write me after the concert I played on Monday

-write some letters to my friends maybe? I got a postcard today from one of them and it meant so much.

I don't think I can do the 2nd two until I've cleaned up which would help with the first one. So, okay, fine. Here I go. And… if you made it this far, whether you know me or not, I appreciate that. We're all just people, after all.