why run from truth

Sometimes I feel like I'm only hormonally normal for like 6 days a month. You know, the 6 days farthest from my period in either direction? And its bad, too, I mean… everything is wrong. All the time. I'm crazy, and then I'm in a really good mood and its like, oh, so, this is fake, right? Because I want to believe the crazy mood was fake so, therefore, the good mood must be fake, too, right? And like, even physical stuff is bizarre. I'm ALWAYS bloated, I usually have a headache, cramps are the sure fire sign that my womanhood is somehow related to whatever is going on, my digestive system sucks, and all of my pants fit tighter even if I've eaten healthier than normal lately. I mean - its really awful. And all of these "feelings" that I "feel" - what am I to say if none of them are legitimate? A friend of mine who seems to experience similar situations each month believes that our feelings are real just amplified. Okay. But usually I've totally screwed up the way to deal with them in the first three seconds of feeling them. Awesome.

So, fine, hormonal.

I'm about to move. I'm moving for another person. For a guy. Who says he loves me. But you know what? Sometimes he doesn't text me back. Sometimes other girls write on his wall. Sometimes I don't understand exactly why he does things. Sometimes he doesn't understand exactly why I do something. Sometimes we laugh so hard we cry. I have some funny friends and so does he, but our laughing-until-crying laughing is way better with each other than with anyone else. I know he'd agree. And I know how his smile would look as he did. Then I'd schmear my fingers across his face and say "donut fingers" and then he'd be grossed out and I'd be victorious. (Inside joke.) And sometimes we say these really amazing things to each other. And they're really big and awesome and scary. And sometimes I hang out with his family without him and its AMAZING. I've never been like that around peoples families, to some extent even my own. I mean, I don't think my family totally understands me. I think partially I haven't let them, and partially other things but thats another subject. I've always been super polite and proper and guarded around families, but, with his its so not like that at all. I'm not afraid to joke or laugh or talk or fall asleep on the couch. I'm so grateful for that, and that its going to be close by. (Back to my man…) and sometimes we just sit quietly and we don't have to say anything and its really peaceful and I feel safe. And sometimes we fight and its really awful because its on the phone and phones are dumb and you can't see each other's face and you can't look into their eyes and feel your heart melt and you can't look into their eyes and hope that they see how important what you're saying is. You just have to sit there, either arguing or being quite and both of those suck. Then you're like wow seriously this blows and then you hang out and you just *start* to argue in person and it takes like 3 seconds to resolve it and be all lovey dovey again. Awesome. Or better yet you let it get real heated for like 3 minutes then one person yells and then you look at each other and just bust out laughing. Awesome. Seriously, thats one of my favorite memories.

I have doubts. I have doubts like anyone would. I think mostly I have doubts because I don't know how to not have doubts. Sometimes I think about how breaking up is inevitable. The only reason I think that is because relationships have always ended. But I'm so glad they did. They sucked! I sucked, the guy sucked, everything sucked. Sometimes this relationship sucks because we can't be together all the time (for 6 more days). That sucks. And it sucks when he's hurting because I hurt, too. And it sucks to fight. But absolutely none of that suckage even remotely compares to being together. The smart part of me knows that there is no option but to be together. We are together and this is non negotiable. There's not an event I picture or a future I see that doesn't involve him. I'd be absolutely floored if we broke up. I'd be super confused and lost. I mean, I'd be okay. Even though I'm moving to a city just for him on the assumption that it is a safe thing to do. My life doesn't *actually* revolve around him, it revolves around Him, and He has a plan that I hope involves him, but God's plan > my plan. But none of this is any accident, so I want to believe that my plan = things God has revealed to me. I'm scared that God's plan ≠ my plan. That would suck. That would scare me. But, it would be okay. It's been way better than okay every other time, and it will be okay this time. But you see… not all people simply spend life going through a cycle of relationships. Some people really do get married. Some of them even seriously stay married.

You know I think all of these things sound right but I'm a little bit worried that I came here, sat down, started writing, and haven't said anything about how I really feel. I want to DEAL better. Sometimes I don't deal very well. Sometimes no one knows, and sometimes everyone knows. I'd like to think that that happens to everyone because, you know, being weird and crazy sucks. Or, would suck…?

I have some feelings that I'm pretty intensely aware of. I'd like to think that I seem less "crazy" if I'm aware than, you know, if I'm not? But at the same time being aware makes me all consumed, you know, by 1) the feeling itself and 2) the fact that I know it exists and I feel like it shouldn't.

I think I have a hard time letting people love me. I've realized I'm good at expressing my love in certain ways, but I'm really good at running from the feeling of people expressing their love to me. Like my friends, recently they've been like hey p.s. we care about you and I was like …wait what? Like seriously I didn't realize that they did, or that they noticed anything about me, which I realize now sounds really dumb. And when people show love for me in a really undeniable way, I tend to have a really strong, unexpected reaction (usually if its crying I can avoid it in public. Other, different issue).

And I'm really good at testing the people that are closest to me. Unless you're my boyfriend, I'll probably not test you very often and you wont have any idea that I'm doing it. If you're my boyfriend you'll probably catch on and ruin it. [;)] I'm not proud of this.

So I went from talking about stuff to trying to think about my feelings and now I'm thinking maybe writing all of this was a waste of time. I just want to be better, to see the Spirit bear fruit in my life.

There are things I'd like to do tonight:

-pack the boxes I have

-write some letters to the people who write me after the concert I played on Monday

-write some letters to my friends maybe? I got a postcard today from one of them and it meant so much.

I don't think I can do the 2nd two until I've cleaned up which would help with the first one. So, okay, fine. Here I go. And… if you made it this far, whether you know me or not, I appreciate that. We're all just people, after all.

faith and hope in love

So, months ago, when things in life were very different, I wrote this: *Before you read this: Okay so I'm happy right now, okay? This isn't coming from some deep emo place of the Cari who sits around and just wishes she had a boyfriend all the time. Because really, I don't do that. I have places to go, friends to hang out with, relaxing to do. These are general thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for a long time. Also it should be duly noted that I do not wish to get married RIGHT NOW. I don't even really think I should be in -a relationship- RIGHT NOW. K? So, these are thoughts, I have thoughts, we all have thoughts, I chose to put them on facebook. You chose to read it. So, here are my thoughts.... if you think I'm scary freaky intense crazy girl who just wants to get married and then feed my husband salad with crushed glass instead of croutons, well, then I'm sorry. I'm partially venting, and partially hoping to have an impact on how people see things. But really... its just a facebook note that I made before I left to watch movies and eat pizza with friends so, don't go picturing me in a straight jacket, okay? Thanks.*

I believe in life after love.... sure. I’m proof that it exists. I’m happy, I even believe things turned out for the best. Hmm. But I’m also sad. I’m sad because I know more divorced people than people who have married only once. Why? What is this? Every case is different, I know. I know that you can’t just look at the world as a whole and decide what that implies about your own future. I believe in marriage. I believe in love. I want those things in my life. I want to say that I want to marry once. But of all the people I know who are divorced, or have been divorced, how many of them DIDN’T say that, too? My Mom and Dad aren’t divorced, neither of my grandparents were divorced, so yeah, I don’t come from a divorced home but still I know so many people.... some were married for 40 years before they got divorced. Some were married for 5. Some were in their 60s, others in their 20s. We don’t know what life has in store, nothing is a guarantee, ever. No matter what. So.... what am I supposed to do? I mean.... does what I’m looking for even exist?

Lets paint a picture. I want to be the one who is chased. My job was not supposed to be the cat in the cat and mouse game. Seriously. Srsly. But lets face it I’m so good at playing the part of the cat. But I deserve to be the mouse. I really do. Its not like I’ve never been the mouse. Anyway. I want a guy who would start dancing with me even when no one else is dancing. I want a guy who sees me hanging out with my friends doing stupid crap like the raptor impression or you know dancing in the middle of the street but knows what I’m like when I’m by myself and yet still knows that the raptor girl and the girl who will be there when the party is over - they are the same person. Or how about a guy who would challenge me and call me out, but yet make me feel so secure in how they feel about me that I wouldn’t just stay awake at night convincing myself that they don’t really like me. Or where’s the guy who loves Jesus so much and can show me that he loves Jesus but doesn’t make me feel like a heathen? Hmm? Is that real? Or you know what else..... I want a guy who would really appreciate the ways that I want to take care of him. Everyone needs someone in their life who calls them “Beautiful” like its your name.... everyone needs someone to have lunch with, to reminisce about old times with... to send funny texts to, to listen to your problems and tell you exactly how to fix them even if its not so fun to hear. And hey straight guy friends - you are so vain and probably think this paragraph is about you. WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! Its not. Jk, actually, I bet a part of it is. Because I’ve learned a little bit from each of you - there’s something nice that all of my straight guy friends do for me that I realize I want in a husband (or... lets start with boyfriend. Or date.). So, actually, yeah - you probably did read about yourself in there. And thats great. But keep in mind that I’m NOT making a list of what I DON’T want.... which would be infinitely longer ;) And you know what kind of girlfriend I want to be? I want to cook for you. Like, every day. And I want to read the bible with you. And I want you to make me laugh, but I also really want you to think that I am funny. I want you to know when I’m being ridiculous and to know when you should roll your eyes and when you should give me a reality check. I want you to be able to talk to my friends without me around. I want you to make me feel really safe - like, I’m so done with wondering if my boyfriend really loves me or if he’s just waiting to break up with me. So yeah I like being clingy but also it would be nice to not feel like I have to be.

So, sorry if you’re reading this and you think what I want to hear is, “Oh Cari, don’t worry, you’ll find someone! You’re awesome!” Because.... well, its not. I mean okay yes I do hope that I find someone. Who doesn’t? And sure you can say whatever but my point is that 1) Its juts sad how often marriages don’t work out. First of all it means that those people were hurting in their marriage, and then they hurt because the marriage ended (even if they end up saying they’re glad they got a divorce, its not like it was ever easy.) and 2) I thought maybe I should start saying things I want. People say that is a good idea. Its weird that I did it on facebook because people can read it but... some of you will think that its weird and others wont. 3) Because I want to believe in love.

This summer I tried really hard to convince myself that men loved women. Because it is easy for me to forget that. (Sorry if you a man who has loved me and this annoys you). But really - I enjoy emphasizing to myself that guys actually want to be with girls. It really gets me, you know? Seriously what do you guys think of this..... I don’t really believe that men want to be with women as much as women want to be with men. I mean, women are awesome, right? Aren’t we? We’re beautiful and sexy and spunky, or quiet and cute and sweet. We’re mysterious even when we put it all out there. And we love you! Man, do we love you. We want nothing more than to love you! We want to take care of you. Make life better for you. And we want to let you prove yourself to us, you know? Open doors and all of that. So do we drive you crazy like the movies say? Because it doesn’t feel that way to me. It doesn’t feel like men are just sitting around thinking about us the way we are thinking about them. I mean.... really I feel like men think women are a pain in the ass. Do you really think that? Now, no, I have no idea where this idea came from. Now wait wait wait, here’s the other thing, okay? I know that we can be a giant pain in the ass. I know that. Okay? But guess what men, SO CAN YOU!! So, seriously, I get that. Its not easy. Fine. I know. And I know that not every has gotten a good hand of cards. Not everyone’s marriage works out. Can’t I still want my marriage to work out? Cause I do.

Its late, my body is not really cooperating with me, it somehow magically became 4 a.m., and I am caught up on all of the episodes of Supernanny.

Now, you see, watching Supernanny could potentially be depressing, right? I mean... screaming kids, sad, dysfunctional families.... ugh. Well, of the last 4 episodes that I've watched, let me tell you some of what I've seen. One family was from North Carolina and the man was stereotypically rough and tough and the kids had potty mouths. The parents fought as much with each other as they did with their kids. The word "divorce" was thrown around like it was nothing, until one day one of the kids used it. At first, the dad became so angry that he blamed everything on the mom and said she had put the word "divorce" in the kids mouth on purpose just to be vindictive. He completely shut down and wouldn't talk. The second family was an almost elderly couple with their 25 year old daughter and her two (punk ass) children living with them. The kids had their hair cut in mohawks (just sayin...). The mother (/daughter of the couple) had ZERO GRATITUDE for anything. Ever. Jo even took her to a homeless shelter and she was just like "why am I here" the entire time. Not inconspicuously, either, I mean.... she was showing off her "I know I have it better than a lot of people but I just don't care" attitude. She was so rude. And lazy! She let her parents do all of the disciplining, but disagreed with how they went about it and so would occasionally yell or something but generally just sat on the couch and texted while her family - HER CHILDREN - caused a muck. The third family was very, very negative - the oldest daughter had almost died from alcohol poisoning and would frequently let her younger (she was probably 14, her younger brother probably 8 or 9) brother drink at parties without their parents at home. The mom would nag a lot, the dad would yell a lot, the kids would throw tantrums A LOT. The fourth family had a 5 year old girl and 3 year old triplets. The oldest girl was the boss of the family and was even aware of the fact that she knew how to get her way. She sang a little song about it. The family had gone back to spanking as a form of discipline, but it wasn't working, and they knew it. The dad was intimidated by having 4 children to take care of at one time and the mom was to a point where sometimes she wasn't sure if she really liked her oldest daughter.

There are two categories of families here. It may not be clear from my descriptions so far, but two of these families were open to changes and truly benefitted from the experience. (Families 3 and 4.) The difference was that families 3 and 4 had stronger marriages than families 1 and 2. Now, family 2 I'm talking about the unmarried 25 year old. Her parents, I think, have a very good marriage - they must to deal with what they were having to with her and her mongrels living in their house. But her? She was closed off to everything and her mother even said, "She cares about herself first. She loves her kids, but they don't come first in her life." Wow. And to throw divorce around? In front of your children? They don't forget a word like that. And they don't think about it casually, either.

But families 3 and 4 - even though the kids were very undisciplined, it was so obvious that the parents were a team. At the family meetings they would hold hands, look at each other, agree on what they were talking about, exhibit patience. It was awesome. It just make me so happy to see that. I mean, family 3 was in really bad shape, but the dad - as soon as he saw how angry he got with his kids, he immediately took a step back and said he didn't want to be like that. And the mom, though she was really negative, she loved and supported her husband and he loved and supported him right back - openly! Honestly! Genuinely! Family 4, though, was perhaps my favorite. The fact that the parents were in love was obvious from the start. Sure, they got annoyed with each other, but they never lost their temper, and there were some nauseatingly cute moments between them. It was.... man, I'm just so thankful I saw that.

I mean there's so. much. sadness. So much! Nothing tears me up like the thought of a broken family. My family didn't always do as many things all together as I would have liked, for one reason or another, and I want my own family to function a little differently. It is so easy to feel like its a lost art - loving someone forever. But that is what God designed love to be. That is what love wants to be. Its not easy, and it takes work, but its not about keeping score and waiting for "one more fight" or "one more rough patch" before you throw in the towel.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know what love is, and I know that its possible to have it forever. I don't see the joy in assuming failure just because there are no guarantees in life. A good friend of mine said, "you can't go up to bat like you're afraid to strike out, you've got to swing for the fences." He was right. And I know someone else who said, "I'm not leaving because of a speed bump. And I'm not leaving because of a mole hill. And you know what? I'm not leaving because of a mountain, either." Well guess what? Neither am I. And I'm swinging for the fences. And I can see the ball going out of the park. I'm in for all 9 quarters (if you don't get that.... you weren't supposed to).

~fhl~

Believing in your Beliefs

Someone once told me - you know, in one of those lightbulb-never-going-to-forget moments - that there is no way to be happy if you aren't living according to your beliefs.

This statement was made to me at a time when I was pretty convinced that God didn't really have a good plan for me. Okay well thats not really true - I believed that He had a "good" plan, but I didn't think that it would make me happy. Its so, just.... ridiculous, you know? But this is really what I thought. I knew that His plan would happen, and that mine would not, but I just didn't think I'd like it! Not only in the large scheme but in the small scheme.... like it was hard for me to understand that refraining from certain things that God said, you know, NOT to do, was actually a choice that might make me happy, not just keep me from sinning. So, I was struggling with these things. And then I heard that phrase: "but if you believe these things, and you're not living according to them, then of course you're not happy. How could you be?" And wow, yeah, that was.... true.

So really though? Its so easy to forget that truth. Believing one time - that wont cut it. You have to live it.... every day. As soon as you think you've got it down, as soon as you think you can stop trying - its going to start to slip. This can happen in so many areas, not just with faith. What do you believe in terms of your work ethic? In terms of your relationship? In terms of money? In terms of your goals?

One thing I believe is that being yourself is really the only option. Facades - how can you maintain that? But at the same time, who isn't currently falling victim to one? And yeah, I think we're only victims to our facades. I certainly am. Now - this could raise an interesting question: where are the boundaries between being fake and being polite? Being fake and being appropriate for a situation? I don't think that its fake to speak to your boss/professors/colleagues differently than you speak with your friends. What about when you are having a terrible day - is it fake if you try and keep that from people because you know they can't help or just that they don't need that right then?

And that brings me to another interesting point..... back to the notion of living what you believe. In relationships, as most things in life, I'm a strong believer in the role of "fate" (I like to call Him "God") - and I believe that whats meant to be is meant to be. So, nobody is perfect. Yes this is extremely obvious, but yet I've found that accepting that your partner isn't perfect is so much easier than accepting that you are not perfect. But there are categorical flaws in this chain of though. If you believe your partner is so close to perfect (you know, if you accept all of their flaws and forget about them), then that would mean that you believe that some of their perfection must exist in their love for you - you must believe that they are understanding on some level, and that they wouldn't break up with you just because you had a bad day. But yet - your belief in all of these things can be pwned by your inability to accept that you yourself are not now and could never be perfect?

Okay but so.... that brings us back to the questionable line I was talking about earlier. If you are having a bad day, how much of that do you show to your partner? Well, it takes a lot of trust. And you probably wont find the "sweet spot" (well... as sweet as a a bad day could be) on that line. But really? Bad days don't go away. They don't have a limited gestation period in your life. I mean yes, clearly, the individual days are temporary, and what a blessing that is. But they shouldn't define your life or your relationship. I think the chances are that you analyze your own bad moods more than people around you do. Maybe I'm wrong about that.... I don't know. And everyone wants something different to feel better. I, for example, want to be told that whatever I did wasn't that big of a deal, that I wasn't being that crazy, that I'm not a bitch, whatever. Yes this is probably lame but... you know, I like to hear that. I need to hear that, I guess. What do you need to hear? What do you say to your partner/family/friends when they're having a bad day and might be showing you their emotions? Whatever you say or do... does it follow suit with your beliefs?

~fhl~

Let man not separate

I used to have two blogs. They were separate and unequal, and in that way, inherently flawed. I had one blog where I only talked about Jesus, and one blog where I basically never talked about Jesus. I've learned something. And its amazing. Jesus really does live inside me, He really is the center of my being. Therefore when I try to separate Him from any part of my life, of COURSE I'm going to be unhappy. Why this has been so hard to grasp the last decade of my life, I'll never know. Now, don't go thinking I have it all figured out.... because I don't. I want His will for my life so badly, and I pray for that every day, but God never promised peace all of the time, nor did He promise premature understanding. So, the goal here is just to be me.... and not to think that it will always be easy, but to know that ultimately, NOT because of the whole "being myself" thing, but because being myself = being connected with God, means that I will be happy. Or, keep on being happy.